How to grocery shop with two children in 21 easy steps

1. Enjoy pleasant lunch with a friend.

2. Decide you need to pick up a few things from the supermarket before returning home.

3. Place baby in Ergo to free up bottom of pram for shopping.

4. Sit down outside supermarket to feed baby (now protesting loudly as he can now smell milk and is insisting he’s starving).

5. Ignore haughty stares from other shoppers and continue to feed baby confidently. Take swig of drink and chat to tired toddler in top of pram.

6. Drop lid of drink.

7. Drop mobile phone.

8. Bend down to collect both off ground while still feeding baby, making mental note to avoid knocking drink over.

9. Decide you didn’t really want a drink as you drop the now-empty bottle in the bin beside you.

10. Dry off baby and carrier with your cardigan. Continue constant chatter with increasingly fractious toddler.

11. Place baby back in carrier and enter shops. Reassure whinging toddler you will be quick.

12. Realise you have no idea what to cook. Make snap decision and begin collecting ingredients.

13. Bribe overtired shrieking toddler into silence with episodes on Peppa Pig on iPad. Ignore judgemental stares as your toddler confidently navigates to the episode he wishes to watch.

14. Think of supremely witty comeback to snarky comments about “children and technology” just after you needed them.

15. Finish shop and join shortest queue. Desperately hope that the offensive smell from the carrier and warm sensation on your abdomen do not mean what you think it does.

16. Quickly realise the shortest queue has the slowest operator and a chatty pensioner currently being served. Maintain resolve and stay with queue.

17. Begin to load shopping onto counter. Observe that “a few things” has turned into a fairly comprehensive shop. Discover you have forgotten crucial ingredient. Try and convince yourself you can do without garlic.

18. Decide you’re kidding yourself and make mad dash to vegetable section. Return just in time. Pay and leave store.

19. Realise it is now raining and you have no umbrella. Pull pram cover over zoned-out toddler and drape wet cardigan over sleeping stinky baby.

20. Idly wonder how you will get two children, nappy bag and a dozen shopping bags up three flights of stairs.

21. Plan to resume online grocery shopping ASAP.

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