1. Decide to go on church weekend away with your two young children. Ignore the fact that you haven’t even been away with one child, let alone two.
2. Begin planning logistics a week ahead. Plan to do all washing on Wednesday and Thursday.
3. Neglect to plan for rain on those days. Try not to think too much about your next energy bill or growing carbon footprint as you turn the dryer on for the umpteenth time.
4. Realise on Wednesday that your six months of capsule hire expired on Saturday. Arrange for return of capsule and plan for collection of layby-ed car seat.
5. Kick self for combining layby of car seat with layby of toddler bed. Plan to take both off layby and carry home on train with double pram.
6. Decide you’re quite possibly not sane. Call father-in-law and ask for help with collection. Arrange to meet him at the shop on Thursday.
7. Begin to make list of all things necessary for toddler and infant for the weekend. Seriously doubt all items will fit in your hatchback.
8. Arrange to borrow father-in-law’s car for the weekend.
9. Discover you do not own sleeping bags. Successfully purchase double sleeping bags on sale for less than half price. Feel a touch thrilled when you realise they are named ‘tardis’. Organise for collection of child’s sleeping bag for toddler.
10. Ensure husband has packed his belongings and retrieved the suitcase before he leaves for work on Friday. Plan for him to swap cars after work, adding an extra ninety minutes to his travel time. Tell yourself you can’t possibly go mad in that time.
11. Give some consideration to sleeping arrangements – you have one portacot and two children still in cots. Decline offers of second travel cot as you don’t know if they’ll fit in the room. Consider possible options involving toddler on mattress on floor or baby in double bed with you. Decide you will wait until you arrive to finalise details.
12. Discover on Friday morning that both of your monitors are totally dead. Attempt to purchase new basic monitor from various shops in local Westfield.
13. Quickly realise this is pretty much impossible. Investigate local op shop in desperation.
14. Discover brand new monitor still in plastic wrap for $20. Buy as fast as possible. Buy baby food pouches for simplicity.
15. Return home and pack, preparing for all eventualities for both kids. Throw in fresh underwear, extra shirts and toiletries for both adults. Entertain toddler with Play School ad nauseum while baby sleeps.
16. Toy with idea of colouring hair before you leave. Dismiss thought as sheer lunacy. Begin preparing toddler for car trip in the evening. Load iPad with Play School and the Wiggles.
17. Do dinner and bath routine as normal when husband gets home. Pack car and ferry children downstairs.
18. Open door and stare as torrential rain begins that very second. Firm your resolve – you are going.
19. Stay undercover while husband ferries toddler to the car.
20. Groan inwardly as husband returns with toddler and offers you a small backside to smell.
21. Ferry all family members to garage. Change offensive bottom while its owner lies in the pram.
22. Load all family members into car and depart. Realise this is the baby’s first trip in his new car seat. Desperately hope he doesn’t scream the entire trip. Sigh when both children are asleep within five minutes.
23. Arrive at campsite 90 minutes later. Ascertain whereabouts of your cabin and deposit luggage. Set up portacot.
24. Retrieve sleeping children from car. Successfully transfer baby to portacot. Place toddler on lower bunk.
25. Gently inform wide awake, disoriented and hysterical child you will be sleeping there tonight. Feel heartless as he pleads with you to get in the car and drive home. Place toddler in double bed with you.
26. Sing all nursery rhymes in your arsenal. Feel unsure of your vocal stylings due to volume of toddler screams.
27. Make up multiple stories. Wonder if screams are actually decreasing or if you’re going deaf.
28. Give toddler to husband on the trundle bed. Try and relax while he attempts to soothe child.
29. Cheer silently when he succeeds. Make room for him in double bed.
30. Launch yourself into trundle bed when toddler suddenly sits up screaming. Decide you will sleep there for the night.
31. Instantly regret decision as you are now half on the bed, half on the floor. Resolve to put toddler in double bed with you the following night. Eventually drift off to sleep.
32. Wake at stupid o’clock to see toddler rolling off trundle bed under bunk bed without waking. Retrieve still-sleeping toddler and place on bed. Try not to count the small number of hours available for sleep.
33. Wake a further three times. Remind yourself there is an excellent weekend ahead of you for the thousandth time. Congratulate self for bringing a plunger and decent coffee.