How to introduce a toddler clock in 19 easy steps

1. Purchase clock. Do not deploy immediately – plan to wait until big bed is introduced.

2. Have ‘discussion’ for over an hour with toddler at 2am about whether it is daytime yet. Decide to begin clock use that evening.

3. Unpack clock, read instructions and plug in.

4. Re-read instructions.

5. Attempt to follow instructions. Fail.

6. Read booklet for a third time. Successfully program clock. Select time that daddy is up for work as wake up time.

7. Prepare toddler for bed at the appropriate time. Tell toddler about his new clock and how he can get up when the sun gets up.

8. Be suitably impressed when toddler informs you that it is his alarm clock. Wonder where he learned that.

9. Turn on clock. Put toddler straight to bed without stories at his insistence.

10. Feel excited that toddler is so enthusiastic about sleep. Wonder if a clock would work for six month old.

11. Wake in the morning to realise that toddler slept all night (even if baby didn’t). Resist urge to whoop for joy.

12. Get toddler out of cot when you hear calls of “it’s day time! Morning sun!”

13. Repeat for remainder of week.

14. Set as normal for Friday night.

15. Wake in morning to crying toddler yelling “is not day TIME! Is night time! My do back feep!”

16. Send daddy into mediate between distressed toddler and offending time piece while you feed baby.

17. Hear yells subside into silence.

18. Ask daddy what happened on his return – toddler was very upset that his alarm clock had told him it was time to get up before he felt he was ready.

19. Simultaneously feel a twinge of regret (your toddler now understands the tyranny of the alarm clock), a flash of pride (is he a nocturne like his mum?!), and a sense of foreboding (will you ever get him out if bed as a teen?).

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