Here’s a How To with a twist – it’s actually a How Not To. Start with one beautiful, ticklish baby that you are drying off after bath time.
1. Do not wear your beautiful new teething necklace for your baby to grab, lest your cooing infant wave his arms in a deceptively innocent way and ‘accidentally’ grab hold of your necklace.
My, how clever, you will proclaim. You may then begin planning the party you will throw after he completes his first PhD at the age of 16, oblivious to the fact that you are now trapped.
2. Do not – under any circumstances – lean in to kiss your baby’s naked belly.
This will be torturous. You will be tempted by that chubby, ticklish, round pookie just begging you to blow raspberries on it. Resist the urge to look into his deep blue eyes that are daring you to release the siren song that is your young child’s giggle. Be strong.
3. Do not have hair.
It sounds extreme, I know. I tried to find a way around it, but I just can’t. Short hair, long hair tied back – it just doesn’t cut it. If you have kids, you may as well just start shaving your head immediately. It might feel a bit weird at first, but it will save much heartache in the long run.
Disclaimer: please consider your own circumstances before making any drastic fashion decisions.
If you do not heed my sage advice
that I have totally ignored myself, do not be so distracted by your child’s gleeful squeals of laughter that you are unaware of his mischievous little fingers moving from your necklace to your hair. Then you will be like the fly entangled in the web, your futile struggle a useless waste of energy as you finally realise the peril you are in.
Don’t be foolhardy enough to think your offspring would never do such a thing knowingly. Your baby has a full bladder and a plan, and is preparing to unleash both in your face, so I’d shut your mouth and close your eyes.
Yet all this could have been averted if you had completed one simple task.
4. Always always ALWAYS put the nappy on first. Don’t argue. Just do it.