How to vacuum with a toddler in 17 easy steps

It’s Bible study at our place tonight, so I decided to vacuum. Don’t all faint at once. Since it was such a success, I thought I’d share my steps for vacuuming with a toddler.

1. Turn Play School on.

2. Clear a path through the days’ toys, place all cushions back on couch.

3. Set up vacuum cleaner and plug in.

4. Warn inquisitive toddler (who has figured out mummy must be doing something fun and has wandered over to investigate) that it is going to be NOISY.

5. Turn vacuum on.

6. Turn vacuum off. Prise terrified toddler from back. Cuddle and kiss. Deposit child in front of Play School with bowl of sultanas.

7. Turn vacuum on.

8. Vacuum lounge area, paying particular attention to rug in front of tv and under the high chair. Avoid running over toddler where possible.

9. Turn around to sound of ‘oh-oh’ and discover toddler has just spilled sultanas all over rug in front of tv. Ignore sultanas.

10. Then off vacuum cleaner. Unplug, begin to pack away.

11. Decide to empty vacuum cleaner. Disassemble vacuum and hold in one hand while trying to get plastic bag ready.

12. Lose balance and upend entire contents of vacuum cleaner on the floor.

13. Start to reassemble vacuum and plug in.

14. Stop to give toddler drink of water to clean Dust Rhinosceros out of mouth.

15. Vacuum affected area.

16. Attempt to remove vacuum cleaner from toddler who has decided to drive it around like a car.

17. Give up and boil the kettle for a cup of tea.